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Knowing What to Do
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When a friend of yours has a death in his/her family, what do you say or do for them? I never even considered calling or going over to see someone who had just lost a loved one. I rationalized, that the last thing a grieving person would want is me falling apart while trying to console them. I felt that they needed to "be alone at a time like this" and that my phone call or visit would be an intrusion or invasion of their privacy. I'd send flowers, and certainly go to the funeral but having direct contact with the bereaved felt very awkward .... what could I possibly do or say that would make them feel better!? Wrong! After my Dad died and I experienced first-hand, the loss of someone I deeply loved, I was so grateful for those dear friends who stopped by just to let me know they cared and had some fun or wonderful memory of my Dad that they shared with me. When I think back to those first horrific days, what I remember the most were the faces of friends who didn't have any magic words to say that made the situation better, but just getting a hug and an knowing that they were there for me, lifted my spirits. I now have a whole different approach to how I reach out to those who have suffered a loss.
About this poster:
Posted by:
yoohoo2
(female, senior)
(Posted 8/8/05)
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Responses (3)
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CrazyRatLady
(8/8):
Keep it simple. First, acknowledge their pain, and leave it there. No one can take it away, nor should they. If they need to, let them vent. But don't get involved, just let them spew their inner turmoil. And don't judge. Second, stay out of the way but look for things to do that are helpful, i.e. cutting the grass, picking up the kids from school, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, running errands, etc. Third, come back days, weeks and months later when reality truly hits and the rest of the world has moved on but the griever hasn't!! Those were the times I really, really needed people the most. And, it's okay to talk about the one who has passed, even laugh about them if appropriate! That helped me enormously, to laugh about my late husband's rediculous ideas, escapades and adventures. Mostly, just quietly be there...long after others have moved on. The CrazyRatLady has spoken.
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helenoftroy
(8/9):
I feel that I am so much more at ease and confident in consoling someone, after being the recipient of so many hugs, heart felt letters, phone calls, personal visits, photos, personal stories, a compassionate dinner, a memorial gift of a beautiful tree for our garden, and a lovely blooming rose bush that was especially picked for its name "love and Peace". I too always avoided people in their grief, but since witnessing first hand how much every compassionate gesture helps you cope with loss, I am now more inclined to being involved with some kind gesture, than avoiding a sensitive situation.
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occaeco
(9/16):
I know I don't know much but I did learn in a little class in college (Sociology of Death and Dying) that people need comfort and company when they have lost a loved one.
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Responses (2)
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IceMan
(8/8):
Sometimes people do however need space. I know that, as I did appreciate people stopping by to lend their support, I also needed time for myself. To collect myself emotionally. Don't be too intrusive.
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eatbliss
(8/8):
Having experienced the death of both my parents within 3 years, I too had to go through this and my feelings are mixed, regarding visitors.When my dad died, I felt it was my duty to help my mom through it as much as I could, so I had to be a calming influence, even if I was all tore up inside. When neighbors showed up at the doorstep, it was kind of awkward because it felt as if I had to 'put on a show' of grief or they would wonder if I cared about my father, yet I could not break for my mothers sake. Be strong for mom and make the neighbors think I was cold emotionally about my dad, break down in front of them and not be there for my mom, or a bit of both? One other thing is the fact that every time someone new would stop in, we'd have to explain, reliving the whole tragedy over and over again. After a while I just wanted to get a tape and record what happened once, then play it for them. Do not get me wrong, I understand peoples good intentions, and even their sometimes morbid curiousity, but after experiencing it firsthand, I am much more attuned and sensitive regarding this issue. If your really close to the family, by all means, lend your support. But, if you just want to find out what happened, give it a while or ask someone who is closer.(I had a coworker stop by, and after telling her my dad had just passed, she asked me if I was still going to a party that night, proceeding to tell me what a fun night I would be missing out on, when I said no.She got all pissy that I was not going to take her, and said that this kinda party doesn't happen everyday and how dissapointed she was in me.As if my fathers death happened everyday, and my mom did not need me...sheesh!) Let me just finish by saying that it is hard enough to deal with, without having to worry about how it appears, and no matter the intention, people showing up at your doorstep, at least immedieatly, only compound the issue.
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